This week's PN e-mail comes to us courtesy of the Dave Barry random column generator (http://www.peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave/):
Recently in Cambridge (motto: "I love you"), residents reported an outbreak of beers. Perhaps you think there are no beers in Cambridge. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "Fuckwit!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Siobhan, whose name can be rearranged to spell "SNIAOHB", although that is not my main point.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Cambridge Mayor Oliver Wendell Biedermeier (formally "Mayor Biedermeier" and informally "Dolsen"), beers ranks as a major crisis just behind death, taxes and PubNight (insert your "monkeys" joke here).
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Dolsen, and that is: pull out George Steinbrenner's teeth.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's teeth, although it might involve disparaging Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "take up", and de grace, meaning "woodworking". The procedure (you may want to write this down):
But instead the Cambridge city council (motto: "We'll build infrastructure when you pry the banana out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the beers) will cure what ales ya soon.
Speaking of which, "The Cambridge Beers Outbreak" would be a great name for a band.
--Joan, Siobhan, and Dave